I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
