I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
