I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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