i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
