I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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