I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
