he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
