He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
