3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I cut my penus on the lid.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
