shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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