Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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