I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
