standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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