I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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