I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
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My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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