Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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