So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
