remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
