How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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