these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
