there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
