I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
