well I can't set my house on fire every night
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
