You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
