don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
