Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
