you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You can't special order awesome
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
