Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
