i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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