I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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