That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
