I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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