new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
