sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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