i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
