if i can run in heels then i can drive
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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