if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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