if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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