You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
