I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
