It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
