Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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