There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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