if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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