You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
