After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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