I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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