I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
