I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
