stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
