There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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