Cold hands, warm shart.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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