Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
