I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
