Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
