the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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