Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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