chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Couch. On fire.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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