I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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